LIFE WITH A TEENAGER

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

KIDS DO THE DARNEST THINGS

My three year old son stuck out his hand and said "look at the fly I killed mummy!". Since he was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust his contaminated hands under the tap and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting him down to finish his pickle, I asked with a touch of awe, "how did you kill that fly all by yourself?" Between bites, he said, "I hit it with my pickle."

JOB INTERVIEW BREAKFDOWN - JIB

Have you ever been a victim of job interview breakdown? These men and women have:

"I was so nervous at a job interview , when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years I said race car driver."

"The guy asked me to tell him a little bit about myself and I literally forgot who I was."

"I got asked about punctuality. I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing."

NO BEDSIDE MANNER

I'd never had surgery before and I was nervous."This is a simple, non-invasive procedure," the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better until..."heck" he continued, "you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself."

REPEAT THAT MATE?

If you understand English, press 1. If you don't understand English, press 2. Recording on the Australian tax help line.