1) A little boy in my infant class came into school and told me he could spell his mum’s name.

“M-U-M,” he said proudly. Before I could congratulate him, another little boy said excitedly, “That’s how you spell my mum’s name too!”

2) I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high, she seemed surprised.

3) A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

4) On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”

5) While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mum couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”

6) A man died and went to The Judgement. They told him, "before you meet with God, I should tell you - we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied "yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"

"Wow, that's impressive. When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago," came the reply.

7) A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.

Client: You did my tattoo backward!

Tattoo artist: It’s backward?

Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!