The grasshopper hopped into a bar and the barman said to him "hey, they named a drink after you" and the grasshopper replied, "What? Fred?"

A fella goes into an English pub and sits down where a man and his dog had just left. Upon approaching the seat, he slips on what the dog has just left behind and bumps his head. Getting up a bit woozy, a big brawny fella walks into the pub and slips on what the dog had just left behind and bumps his head as well. The first fella said to him "I just did that," so the second fella hit him.

Council workers are digging a trench outside an asylum. During lunchtime they sit on the wall and they're joined by an inmate who climbs up and sits next to them. He starts chatting to them and they turn around and say to him "you seem quite intelligent, what are you doing in here?" and he said "I don't know but I'll show you something that I've trained." So he pulls a matchbox out of his pocket, tips a beetle out and he says to the beetle "march," and the beetle marches. Then he says to the beetle "stop" and the beetle stops. He says to the beetle "turn" and the beetle turns. Then he says to the beetle "march back" and the beetle marches back and then he says "stop". Then he says to the workmen "now you watch this!" He picks the beetle up, pulls its legs off, puts it back down again and says "march" and the beetle doesn't move. The inmate then says "see, when you pull its legs off it goes deaf."

A drunk walks out of Crown Casino to see a man sitting on the kerb with his head in his hands and his car next to him with the bonnet up. The drunk says to him "what's your problem?" and the guy replies "piston broke". And the drunk said "yeah, so I am".

A man's been in jail for eight years. When he gets out and goes down to see his mates at the local pub. He sits down and has a beer with one of them and says "I'll show you what I've been doing while I've been locked up." He takes a matchbox out of his pocket and tips a cockroach out onto the table. He says to it "roll over" and it rolls over. He says "take 10 steps forward and turn around," and the cockroach does it all. His mate says "that's fantastic, you'll make a fortune with this." He says "bring it over and show Bill the barman." The man tips the cockroach out onto the bar and his friend calls Bill over and says "mate, have a look a this!". The barman sees the cockroach and hits the palm of his hand down and says "that's the first one I've seen in here!"